And Again
by RedJohn'sDaughter
Summary: Mulder and Scully go back to LA to look for the monster that transformed into your deepest fears. What is Mulder's deepest fear?


**Author's note: This is my first fic and English is not my first language so be benevolent.**

 **Rated: PG**

 **Summary: Mulder and Scully go back to LA to look for the monster that transformed into your deepest fears. What is Mulder's deepest fear?**

 **And Again**

And again, it appeared. But this time was different. There were no cameras, there was no police team following it, just us. Of course the LAPD called us as soon as it appeared. Last time it didn't seem as such a bad monster. Sure was scary, but there was a great deal of people behind it. Now, as many other cases, we were just my partner and I.

I refer to it as IT, because I have no clue of what it was. I don't know if it's a toxin; a fungus, a disease or as my _spooky_ partner says; a monster.

We were really close to catch it. Well, that was what Mulder kept saying every once in a while as we walked the LA streets in a close night.

Finally we found the house that the anonymous call refer to. An hour earlier the LA's finest called us to report an anonymous call that they've received about Frankenstein's creature being in a house killing people. It wasn't very difficult to figure out that Shelley's monster wasn't paying a visit, but instead, was our very own monster.

Until we arrived at the front door of the house I haven't realized that we were going to face something that we didn't even know what it was.

The house was big. It was a double store house that looked very old. The moldings and the paint were scratched and broken. . Mulder and I exchanged a look to see how we were going to act in this situation. It was clear that the only possibility was to split up. We looked again to the house and Mulder gave me a glance telling me to be careful. I tried to answer with the same sentiment when I returned his look. It was just a second, but that was how we do things. We could say more just looking into each other's eyes than with word.

There was little of the night left so we would have to hurry.

Mulder took the first step and went into the house. With a silent agreement he went to the first floor and I took the ground floor.

There was no power so I had to take out my flashlight. The hallway was long, with at least four doors on each side. The paper on the walls was as old as everything I could see in the house.

Everything about this place gave me the chills. I was pretty aware that it was stupid, that I had faced worse things than this, but…

I was turning the knob on the first door when I heard it. A muffled crush came from behind it. I drew out my gun and slowly pushed the door open.

My heartbeat was loud enough for me to hear. I gave a quick look around and sighed when I saw that it was just an open window, a soft breeze and a pencil container on the floor. I put my gun back into the holster when I heard the thing that scares me the most.

"NO, SCULLY! PLEASE SCULLY!"

Mulder was screaming my name. He was calling me with a voice full of hurt, fear and the most heart breaking despair I have ever listened in my life. I ran out of the room to the stairs. As I was almost at the end of the staircase I drew my gun out again. I was about to continue looking for my partner, but something stopped me. Mulder kept yelling my name at the top of his lungs. What if Mulder wasn't screaming? What if it was only the monster we were after? I knew what this monster did when it hunted down a prey. 'No', I decided that I didn't care about myself getting hurt or getting this monster down. I needed him. I needed to make sure he was fine. I got to the first floor and bolted into the only room with the door opened.

What I saw I could not explain.

Mulder was screaming to a lifeless body. I was still with the gun up and ready to shoot whatever was making him suffer this way.

He was in his knees holding the corpse so close to his body that I couldn't see from the threshold who it was. With steps as steady as I could master with the pain of hearing Mulder suffer so much, I got closer to him. As I did, I got a glimpse of a strand of red hair. The body was a woman dressed exactly as I was. She was about my height. I stopped.

Mulder kept crying my name and begging for it to not be happening. I just could not move.

Slowly, with a care in his touch that moved me beyond words, he put the body down to the floor. I still don't know if I was aware of what was happening when he took a hold of his gun and without thinking it twice he put the cannon to his head. I came back to myself realizing what he was about to do and I ran to take the gun from his hand. He was so deep into himself that he didn't even put up a fight. As soon as Mulder was out of danger I shot the corpse, me, right into the chest. The body disappeared with the first weak lights of the day.

Mulder was sobbing hard and calling my name when the air in his lungs allowed him to. He was still in his knees with his hands covering his face. My heart ached with just the sight of him crying. Tears sprung in my eyes, I just couldn't help it. It pained me to see Mulder so desperate.

"Mulder, it's okay. I think it died. It won't come back."

I put a hand on his left shoulder to reassure him that everything was okay, but he didn't seem to notice. I realized then that he still thought I was dead. I was sure he have gotten into shock because his breathing was shallow and he was crying quietly. I did the only thing I knew to stop this, prove to him that I was very much alive. Carefully, to not startle him, I cradled his head with my hands. Slowly I guided him to my chest. I hoped that the sound of my heart would make him aware that I was right there with him. A couple of minutes later, when I thought my idea wasn't working, he started to react to my touch. He gasped out loud.

"I'm here. With you. Don't worry."

Trembling, he put his arm around my middle. Mulder was hugging me tightly. He was hanging onto me like his life depended on it. He was crushing me, but I didn't care. I haven't seen him this scared since the night that he cried by my bed at the hospital while I was dying of cancer.

"You were dead. I saw you, I held you. I yelled your name and you didn't answer" He whispered against my chest. Silent tears crept down my face as I caressed his scalp and ran my fingers through his soft hair.

"I'm alive. I'm not going to leave you."

I said this with a shaky voice. My tears were falling into his hair and face, mixing with his own. He was so vulnerable. Mulder was suffering and all because of me. I knew it wasn't my fault, but the fact that I couldn't take all his pain away broke my heart.

"Don't leave me." His whisper barely audible.

"I won't. Never."

For what seemed like hours we just held each other and cried.

When I recovered the control over my emotions I pull my hands from his hair and shoulders. As soon as I started to retreat he hold me tighter without letting go. I put my hands on his cheeks and my forehead to his. With my eyes closed I took a deep breath knowing he would do the same. We took a couple of breaths together and he finally looked into my eyes.

"See? I'm right here with you. Now we've got to get back to the motel. You need to rest."

I took a hold of his hand to help him get on his feet. Once he was, I started to walk to the door, but he didn't let go of my hand, he just followed me.

When we left the old house, Mulder wordlessly put the car keys on my free hand. I searched his eyes for an explanation and all they showed me was a very sad and very tired Mulder. We walked hand in hand till we got to the car. As I finished fastening my seat belt and starting the car, Mulder took my right hand in his left and we intertwined our fingers. Normally I wouldn't allow such an intimate touch in public. It obviously crossed the line we tried to define when we were at work. Nevertheless this line gets forgotten every time one of us is hurt and Mulder was hurt. He needed to touch me and I would grant him every single thing he needed to stop feeling the deep pain I knew he was in.

The travel to the motel wasn't too long, but we both stayed quiet. I kept checking him up to assure myself that he wasn't going back into shock. Touching him made me feel more at ease. I knew this was not over yet, but at least I was sure he was with me in every sense.

We haven't slept in what seem a week to me, so I was glad when we arrived at the motel. We parted only seconds as we got out of the car. This time I took Mulder's hand and guided him to his room.

The motel wasn't any different from the ones we've been before. Our rooms had adjoining doors as we always requested. Mulder's room had the same furniture as mine. An old queen-sized bed, a simple night stand and a table with one chair that were full of unfolded clothes. For the first time in an hour we stopped touching, we were standing pretty close though. I looked up to him with half smile and turn toward the adjoining door. I really didn't want to leave, but I didn't know if he wanted me to stay a while longer.

"Scully… Stay."

I was too glad that he asked me to stay. I knew I shouldn't feel the way I felt for my partner. I wanted to stay with him because I needed to assure myself that he was alright. Then again a part of myself, the selfish part, just needed him. What I felt for Mulder went beyond the words "I love you". They looked so simple, so common, to explain my feelings for him. I was in love with him. I cared so much for him that I would not doubt to give my life to safe his. He would hate me if I ever did that, just as I would hate him if it were the other way around. I knew he felt for me as much as I felt for him, but I was not really sure if he was in love with me. It would be nice to be with him like that, but what I really need to be myself is having him beside me. For the rest of my life. As my partner, in every sense of the way. In that moment he needed me and I was there to take care of him.

"Do you mind if I use one of your t-shirts as a pajamas?"

"Of course, suit yourself" He smiled at me. Whenever he smiles, I cannot help it, but I return it with my own. He has one of those smiles that makes it impossible for anyone not to correspond. I could see in his eyes that he was better now, but there were still sadness and pain from before.

"Thank you. I'm really tired so I'll head straight to bed."

With just one look into his hazel eyes I knew that he wanted me to stay for the night. Sharing the bed was a little awkward the first time, we didn't want to bother the other, but in that moment all the awkwardness was long gone. We've shared in several occasions. There's nothing sexual about it, we just cuddle up because we need to after a tough case, problems with our relatives or simply after bad days. That night was one of that kind.

I grabbed from his suitcase a grey t-shirt which I was quite fond of. I have slept in it a couple of times and I just love it. I trusted him so much that I didn't even went to the bathroom to change. I took off my blouse without a second thought and put the t-shirt on. I was wearing a pant suit and the t-shirt reached to just above my knees so I also took of my pants. Mulder was standing were I left him observing my with a smirk tagged to his face. I felt pretty well about my body, and to be realistic, Mulder had seen me naked on more than one occasion. But then again I knew he could have not seen anything because the t-shirt was big enough to cover me well. It was my moment to smirk as I reach inside the tee to take off my bra. He tried to hide his surprise, but I have been reading his eyes for years.

"I will never get over the fact that you've just fulfilled my Flashdance fantasy." We both laughed at that.

I noticed then that he haven't started to undress. So, with a confidence recently found I walk to him and pulled him of his jacket. I reached to his tie and undid the knot. As I started unbuttoning his shirt my eyes went to look into his. There was no awkwardness, no nervousness, just trust and something I later would categorized as love.

"Thank you." He said as I finished undressing him. I left him clad only in his underwear. He's gaze was boring right into my eyes.

"You're very welcome. Now let's get to bed, we have a long flight tomorrow and you know how much I hate flying." We both were smiling as if nothing had happened in the early morning.

I pulled the sheet to my middle, the room was warm and Mulder was beside me so I was not going to get cold while we slept. I was laying on my back and I felt his arms creping around me. He put his head just above my heart, which reminded me all of what happened today.

"Scully, do you mind?" His voice was a little hesitant and I couldn't understand why. The only explanation was that, even though we smiled and laughed a little, he still needed reassurance that I was okay and going nowhere. My answer was putting finger through his hair. My right hand started drawing circles on his shoulder blade. He sighed relaxed.

I must have been blocking what had happened earlier because I only started to get angry right then.

"Mulder, were you going to kill yourself?" I tried to ask the question without shouting and hitting him hard everywhere. I couldn't believe I just registered that. How could it have taken me so long?

"I thought I've lost you." Mulder spoke in a low voice, but with not a hint of regret. That's what pissed me the most.

"How the hell does that justify you taking your own life?" I said that louder than the last question, but anger kept coming to me in waves.

"Scully I…"

"Mulder there is not a fucking good reason in the world for you to end your life! What were you thinking?" I reached for his chin to make him look at me. But then I thought that I left our guns in the night stand. I looked at them thinking how to get them away from him. He must have seen the fear in my eyes, because he tried to calm me down.

"Scully, don't worry. I no longer want to end my life." He said that serious, too serious. He really was going to do it. The thought of Mulder dying changed my anger into a deep sadness and pain. Tears sprung to my eyes.

"Mulder, do not _ever_ do that. Never again. Don't you dare. If I die, I need to know that you will carry on. . You need to defeat Them. You're the only one that can do that. So please, if anything were to happen to me, live Mulder. Live for me." Tears were falling down my face as I bit my lower lip to hold the sobs that were threatening to escape. He turned us around so I was resting on top of his chest. My arms snuck around his middle because I needed to hold him close, as it was possible to be any closer to him then.

We stayed like that, quiet, for a long time. I started to relax grasp on Mulder, but I still felt like if I let him go I would lose my partner. I wondered why. Why would he end his life when there was so much left to fight for? A couple of months ago we found out what really happened to his sister. I knew that, after his mother's death, he felt alone in the world. Was he just looking for an excuse to give up? I had to know, even if it hurt him to talk about it. I needed to know.

"Why?"

"Why, what Scully?" He asked as he was caressing my head. He knew what I was talking about, but he didn't want to answer me, which made everything even worse.

"Why would you give up?"

"Because I had nothing to live for. As simple as that." How could he say that? He, _we_ had to fight against them. The cigarette smoking man was still out there and so was the Truth he was looking for.

"Mulder, how can you say that? You still have to find the truth, _your truth_. You fight them. You can't let them win now, not after all you've been through and _I've_ been through." Mulder pulled us up so that we were sitting facing each other.

"My truth is more than that. Our truth is more than that. Don't you know that by now? Scully, I've told you before. I don't think I want to keep fighting without you. I don't think I can." His eyes were locked on mine. I looked at him in disbelieved.

"Don't you get it? How is it possible that the _one_ person who needs the most to see in order believe doesn't when proof is right in front of her?" I did not know where he was getting at. Maybe I didn't want to know.

"Mulder, I know that after we learnt what happened to your sister and what happened to your mother you've had a couple of really tough weeks, but you can't surrender. You can't give up even if something were to happen to me. This is our fight, yes, but you can fight it on your own." Just in that second, when that last statement left my lips I saw the anger that had been building in Mulder's eyes as I spoke, break lose. He rose from the bed looking at me bewildered. He took in a deep breath as he run a hand through his hair.

"God Scully… I didn't want to live because _you_ weren't there. You died. In my arms. Before me. Just like in the Modell case. I couldn't take it. I really don't want to know what life would be like if you weren't here. It has been hard for me after my mother passed away. Giving meaning to everything after we found out the truth about Sam has been difficult, but you were there. I've carried on because of you. I carry on because of you." Even though he tried to say this with anger, he couldn't stick to it till the end. Mulder was in the verge of tears and I was speechless.

 _You love me?_

Please tell me I didn't say that out loud.

"Yes."

He said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. But what if his feelings didn't mean the same as mine?

"Mulder but…"

"Scully, I love you. I'm in love with you." My tears of pain and hurt mixed with tears of joy. I started laughing as I cried. Mulder's expression changed as he looked at me. He was looking at me with a very confused face, which only made me laugh harder.

"Why are you laughing? If you don't return the feelings is okay, but please don't laugh in my face." His face showed that he felt hurt. He was the one who wasn't understanding things then. I tried to stop laughing. Should I put him out of his misery?

"Sometimes so clever and sometimes so dumb. Silly Mulder." I wiped my tears with the heel of my hands. I knelt on the bed and reach to grab a handful of his t shirt to pull him closer. As I did earlier, I cradled his face between my hands and caressed his cheeks my thumbs.

"You're my partner and my best friend. You've been there for me. When my father died, you were there for me, even though I didn't know that I wanted you to. When Missy died I felt the world tumbling down, but you held me and I didn't feel alone. When the cancer came, you were the one who took me to chemo, who took care of me when I wanted to be alone and I didn't know any better. You've saved my life so many times that I can't keep count. How could I not love you?" I smiled at him.

He mirrored my smile and leant to kiss me. He kissed my forehead, my eyelids, my cheeks, my nose, my jaw. I felt like everything was alright with the world. I felt safe and loved. I felt so happy I thought I was about to burst. Mulder drew back a bit to look me in the eyes. Then he brushed his lips against mine. He did it again and again. He started to add pressure and I was glad to correspond him.

 **Author's note: The idea came because I rewatched X-Cops and kept thinking about what the monster would transform into if it came across Mulder. I believe that the monster is a Boggart so it also came to mind that moment when Molly Weasly was crying over the bodies of her family members. Thank you so much for reading this, please comment on any mistakes with grammar or whatever you may find. Again, thank you!**


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